Emotional Weather Report

With my daughter I never really experienced the baby blues, I had a few moments of freaking out, like Holy Mother of God, what if I mess this up. And then I would remember how C. communicated to me before she was born and I'd think, with a connection like THAT I can't mess up. I feel very connected to the greater purpose with C. Now Mr. A. is quite another story. With all my recent training, Mr. A didn't speak to me as clearly as Ms. C. He seemed quiet to me, and not quite present yet in the little body that grew inside me. It wasn't until the last week of pregnancy when I made an effort to sit and be quiet & speak with him that I felt a direct contact. That was a contact though, not a deep line of communication back. Maybe I just couldn't understand how he was communicating to me. Mostly I think it was me telling him, "OK look you can prepare all you want, but sooner or later you have to get BORN." He was a bit suspicious of this information. I showed him what we were like & what he could expect upon entry into our physical arms, but he still seemed reluctant. And given his struggle during his birth I'm sure he didn't want to do the birth process. To take a body, you've got to go through that, no way around it I don't think.

Now that he's here I feel a deep calm and it doesn't seem to matter how or why he got here. With C. it became a myth of mine, her pre-pregnancy communications, the ease of her birth. Her spiritual control of her situation. But A. is a world of mystery all his own, and as our midwife reminded me, you've got to have mystery in the world. Or in your house if you live with the two males I live with. With the male I connect to the mystery. wild, unexpected.

So here he is, in my arms, snorting away. I feel him at times. I see him more, a thin dark haired boy holding my hand. I told him at one point that he picked a great father, and got the distinct impression back that he agreed. I hold his little body and let my skills at mediation guide me through the waves of sadness that wash over me. Chemicals running rampant in my body? Or energy being released? Energy being released as hormones to be processed emotionally. I watch it come over me like clouds before rain. It gathers. I feel the cool weight of it. The rain breaks; my eyes well up; my thoughts turn melancholy, and then the clouds thin and disburse and I see blue sky again. I sit on the couch and let my emotions wash over me.

This emotional weather report, "highs tonight, low tomorrow and precipitation is expected."


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T. Waits. Emotional Weather Report, Nighthawks at the diner

late night and early morning low clouds
with a chance of fog
chance of showers into the afternoon
with variable high cloudiness
and gusty winds, gusty winds
at times around the corner of
Sunset and Alvorado
things are tough all over
when the thunder storms start
increasing over the southeast
and south central portions
of my apartment, I get upset
and a line of thunderstorms was
developing in the early morning
ahead of a slow moving coldfront
cold blooded
with tornado watches issued shortly
before noon Sunday, for the areas
including, the western region
of my mental health
and the northern portions of my
ability to deal rationally with my
disconcerted precarious emotional
situation, it's cold out there
colder than a ticket taker's smile
at the Ivar Theatre, on a Saturday night
flash flood watches covered the
southern portion of my disposition
there was no severe weather well
into the afternoon, except for a lone gust of
wind in the bedroom
in a high pressure zone, covering the eastern
portion of a small suburban community
with a 103 and millibar high pressure zone
and a weak pressure ridge extending from
my eyes down to my cheeks cause since
you left me baby
and put the vice grips on my mental health
well the extended outlook for an
indefinite period of time until you
come back to me baby is high tonight
low tomorrow, and precipitation is
expected