The half and half is past it's expiration date, and what does that mean really? It means I smell it really closely before pouring it into my coffee. Cause nothing ruins a good cup of coffee like curdled milk! ewwww. I approach milk with caution anyway, lord knows it is a foreign substance, meant for baby cows, not for humans. One must tread cautiously when crossing species lines. Here I am sitting on the last day of the year, waiting for our child to travel those few inches from the uterus to our waiting arms. It could have been weeks ago, it could be weeks from now and here I sit and wait, and contemplate the year that has passed. 2008 was a crazy year. It's been a series of crazy years really. The beginning of this year found us in Hawaii celebrating our wedding. Kauai was rainy and beautiful, my husband sick and sweet. We passed the days watching America's Top Model marathons and eating poke and just being together. Actually perfect. On the way home I received the message about Sacredwillow.com. On the Bart I was given the URL. Who would have thought that your life messages would come with a dotcom? Yet they do.
I went home and did some research and registered the domain. Willow spoke symbolically of so many things I wanted to express to my future clients, spoke of grief and easy, of pain and anesthetics, of growing through bending, of coming back after being cut off, of sitting by a river and watching the world go by, of beauty and of my childhood. Gently it speaks to and honors the darkness inside.
We went to Vegas together for the first time, saw the Raconteurs at the Hard Rock. Vegas was a weird weird place. I'll never stay at the Hard Rock again. But going to Mix was sublime, sharing a meal with B. while we looked out over the city, and ate literally till we got sick...Well say no more. We got drunk, made out in a bad burlesque bar and enjoyed our time, yet not too wildly. We found out the day we got home that I was pregnant. Two weeks later we were in Mexico with C. for a dear friends wedding. The beach and the pool were wonderful. Watching C swim and run around was the most wonderful wonderful experience. She got to be a flower girl and we burnt our skin so badly we couldn't be in the sun unprotected the whole rest of the trip. We traveled to Tullum and I released lifetimes of energy without even looking at it. I wrapped all of that up and just let it go, and how amazing is it to be able to let darkness pass through you and not have to analyze it? What a game our brains play on us, and yet not a game. It's a delicate feat, knowing when it is necessary to actually look at the information you're healing and when to just drop it and move on.
June I turned 38. The rest of the year passed quietly, we went camping a couple times, we made it through a trade show, we practiced some songs, c. started first grade. How proud I was to watch her on the first day, be so comfortable, be so able to talk to a kindergartner and so able to just get in line and go to class. Amazing progress from a year ago when she was the new kid and full of tears. The love of my life celebrated 40 years on the planet. And things were generally more good and more lovely than I could have imagined. My belly grew, the loves of my lives were with me. And yet my heart generally was not singing not able to enjoy fully. I seemed always full of conflict, never able to find that place where I was just smiling cause the sun was up and the air smelled sweet. Just because. I stopped going to classes in October. That relationship became renegotiated and in such a strange way, via email. Teachers I had worked with for years now. I look forward to checking on that relationship after baby is born.
I sublet a nice office close to my home for client sessions, immediately people started calling. I began doing bookkeeping on the side, things flowed immediately. My business cards are almost done and beautiful, my day job is on hold pending the birth of my child I feel on the cusp of a transition in so many ways and as I sit here on this cusp the thing that I look at is this....how is it that I can be blessed with so much, my health, a new baby, a darling daughter, my soul mate, no one is hunting me, no bombs fall on our town, a new president is elected that actually brought me hope, we have food on the table and the ability to have me be home to take care of us in a different way. I have my healing practice, I have healed so much in the last few years and as this transition is happening, I watch the darkness in me pass, like fog lifting from the hills, like paint fumes off-gassing from a freshly painted wall. This is the lesson of willow that I have invited into my life, to bend and allow. To accept the grief of life along with the celebrations, to accept my dark side and embrace it, lest it drive me in ways I do not sense. That the fog informs the light, to find happiness in all places. Subtly lessons.
And the biggest one being brought to me by my own baby and body. Be patient. Enjoy the moment, prepare, and yet also be ready to act in the moment, knowing that as much as you prepared you must let that go and just be ready when the time comes. So here we are, at the end of 2008. On the verge of 2009.
There is no moment but this moment. The flow of time moves through me. I am prepared, yet letting go. I am ready, yet sitting calmly. Or at least in the practice of sitting calmly. Life is that of all things, a constant practice and moments of flow.
Here we go....
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