Silence

Tonight, if I concentrate hard enough I can feel the silence out there. The sun has set and the only noise outside is the wind in the pines. But I have to concentrate over the TV. So many of us have some noise as a constant companion. And I know our thoughts go on under, around, over top, all of that, but what's wrong with silence? When was the last time you sat and just listened to nothing? Perhaps the noise of the street seeps in, the neighbors? Here, I can hear the pines rustling, and insects chirping. My body feels so relaxed. This place is so very of the earth. One feels so grounded, almost too grounded. Too earthy, earthy and sleepy. But I recommend sitting in silence, what do you think? Can you do it? Read more!

Apartment Therapy Final Post

Whew. OK when I started the Apartment Therapy 8 week cure back on October 19th....I knew it would stir up some energy, but whew... So here we are 16 weeks later. he house, well our house has really come together a lot, and of course there is still a lot to do. I was struggling with the idea of classism, and economics as it impacts beauty. We had x budget and we're now out of x budget, so there are some things I'd still like to do, like get a coat rack, and a chair, lamp and table for our bedroom. On the other hand, I love what we've done, the green color is really beautiful, I want to find a neutral that comes out of that color if that maks sense.



We also used a wonderful creamy deep brown as an accent color. The paint was Mystic brand, low/no evo paint and what a difference it makes in the process of painting! It covers amazingly and doesn't smell. No headache, no lingering odor. I love it. We used it here, in the stairway.



Addison's Room still has much to do in it, I need to finish the trim, touch up the ceiling and hang prints. Then we need to build bookshelves and closet. But all of that is on hold till he gets into a toddler bed. Once he does that, then I'm tearing the room apart again, and he'll have the streamlined space I imagine. For now you can see what it looks like. It's so tiny and cozy and he's not quite comfortable sleeping in it, but it's only been a week.




There is still organization to do. It drives me crazy that there are piles all over, the mending I need to do, the school work that Cy brings home, the mail. I've got a landing strip, but it doesn't seem to work. My big projects are to get shelves in the laundry room and the studio closet. Then build bookshelves in our bedroom, and the studio.

But all that is on hold now.

Now the focus is towards the garage and the outdoors. It's time to sell stuff and donate, it's time to get rid of the garbage in the back yard, and driveway. It's time to dig out our little patio, build the sandbox, plant bamboo, and create a cozy hidaway in the back yard. The front yard will get attention too. Along with that focus is cleaning out the garage, making it a great space to work out in, and get back on our bikes. Can you tell I'm ready for spring?

So this working through things it's stirred up some themes for me, organization, and physical motion. Moving from inner to outer. It's also time to work on my practice. To focus on where to advertise, how to advertise, to bring awareness to my availability and get this ball rolling. I can't wait! Read more!

It's been one year since the birth of our son. Addison. How he brings laughter to our lives! Recently there we were all four of us, sitting in the living room. Addison started to laugh, which made Cy laugh, which made me laugh, then Addison laughed, and that made Brian laught which got cy laughing and then me, round and round and round it went this wave of laughter and it felt so good! This is what Addison brings to my life. To our life. He spends lots of time roaming around, checking things out, playing on his own. I get lots of little time to do things, but woe is me if I don't remember to feed him enough, or to help him sleep when it's time. He's talks so much, his own language. I really feel like if I could just switch my awareness a little I would understand him completely. I don't know if he's really said what I would clearly identify as his “first word” one that was in context, or used repetitively. But the other day he did something, and then as he walked away he said “good boy” clearly enough that I heard it, and so did Brian. He's said “Hi” in response to people, he's said what sounds like “what?” “what.” He says things that should like, “what is this”, and “here he is.” I have a feeling when it starts to roll it's just going to tumble out from his lips, that look so like his father. It's such an amazing feeling, loving Addison is just made more for me by the fact that he looks like Brian. My love for Brian informs and amplifies my love for Addison. Amazing stuff. And Addison also looks like Cy, the family resemblance is really strong when they smile. I was just looking at a photo of cy when she was about a year old, it's something in the eyes, must be in my eyes too.

To watch Cy with him, it's interesting. She's protective of him, and of her stuff. :) She's loving and sweet, and kinda smoothering, mothering. We enter a stage with her that I can feel is her feeling her own spirit, feeling things out, questioning. This is the process of individuation. This is how it is, I can feel my own uncomfortableness with it all, feel my irritations, feel the growth pushing and it will only push more. Sitting down with it I got the message, it's all about the Great Mother energy, letting that unconditional love flow, feeling that nurturing energy. I reset myself to THAT. It's my job to love her through her growing, all of her growing. Not only the times when it's easy and we're in harmony, but also those times where she's pushing and struggling to define who she is, as different from who I am, who her family is. She's kind and sweet, energetic and funny. She loves her friends and family. I can see her working through material longings, the difference between Daddy's where she earns 10$ a week in allowance and uses it to buy a new toy every week, to our house where she earns $2.50 per week and sets the table, makes her bed, puts away her laundry and helps me cook from time to time. I wonder when that will explode? Or will it. She has an awareness that is amazing. She shines in dance, and art and story telling. She loves fairies and magic and looking at the world through that mirror of wonder, and I love looking with her. At seven she is interested in music and female singers are her focus right now, what they wear, how they walk, what they do. I try to remember who my idols were at that age, who I was emulating. I can't remember any girls! At 7 I remember shaun cassidy, paul simon, paul mccartney and wings, stevie wonder, marvin gaye, the beattles. I remember FM radio with my Dad.

2010, Addison is 1, Cy is 7, I turn 40, Brian turns 42. Somewhere in those numbers is a meaning. Somewhere in the web we create is a pattern that shows our family, in the hands we hold, in the cheeks we kiss, as the world turns around the sun one more time. Read more!

Inspiration

I picked up a book at the library recently, Terry' Gross's "All I did was Ask" a series of interviews with writers, authors and actors. I found that I really enjoyed listening to her and her interviewees more than reading them. But in the second to last interview I found the reason that I picked up this book.

I had never heard of the author Carol Shields. You can click on her name for more information on her if you are unfamiliar with her as well. But I found two things she said to be completely inspiring.

First. "I would give myself one to two pages a day, and if I didn't get to my two pages, I would get into bed at night with one of those thick, yellow tablets of lined paper and I would do two quick pages and then turn off the light. I did this for nine months , and at the end of nine months, I had a novel." She had FIVE CHILDREN!! FIVE! I was so relieved to read this that I could almost cry I could actually picture my book.

Then at the end of the interview she puts it all into perspective. She has advanced breast cancer and is going to die, very soon actually, and Terry asks her if it matters that she will have her books as a legacy. Shields says "The day I got my Pulitzer Prize, I met Margo Jefferson and she said, "You know what this means, don't you?" And I said, "No, What?" and she said, "You already know the first line of your obituary." And, of course, I do. And I found that rather frightening. But someone sent me a list of all the Pulitzer prize winners since something like 1915, and I'd never heard of half of them. I don't think literary reputations live on - very few of them. Books fall out of the public eye. I don't have a sense of leaving anything permanent at all. I suppose one thinks of one's children as what you leave permanently, and their children. Naturally I like to write books that people enjoy reading. But the literary legacy? No, Its' very unimportant to me."

Bless her wherever she is. I have this nagging sense that I have to "accomplish" something artistic before I die, leave something like a book, or great art, something "worthwhile". It was so nice to be reminded that that is complete and utter BULLSHIT! yea! Read more!

A closing meditation for the holidays

I am in love with saying "Twenty Ten".

The future is really here! I can barely contain my joy for so many reasons. The holidays were full of wonder. Watching my daughter as she put out cookies for Santa, and her excitement at the salad that was eaten by the reindeer was beyond sweet. I love to witness her innocent belief in magic. It teaches me so much.

We went to the San Francisco Nutcracker, which I loved and next year I vow to get the good seats, so we can really enjoy the extraordinary sets! We had a celebration of family and fun, eating prime rib and playing rock band, but the holidays also hold stress and family issues for many of us as well. Thinking of family roles and issues often is challenging, just entertaining for days on end can be wonderful and tiring.

In addition I am always challenged by my child's sheer LUST for goods. More toys, more presents, more STUFF. I find it kind of frightening to say the least. Yet I remember feeling the same when I was little, and so try to not make it mean too much. After all, we are blessed to live in a land of abundance and I suppose that should be honored, in a balanced way.

To start the new year off right I thought it might be useful to share a mediation to help leave the past in the past. So much of who we are and what we think is made up of family traditions, societal traditions. The holidays trigger lots of things for us, perhaps it's the dark time of winter, perhaps it's going back to the family home and feeling the same old patterns that you thought you were free of. Whatever it is, it can feel like your stuck on a treadmill running over the same old ground once again. Perhaps this little tool can help you start the new year out bright and strong. Find a quiet place to sit for a few minutes undisturbed. Close your eyes and imagine connecting to the earth through your feet, a nice circuit connecting up to your tail bone and down again. Feel the energy of the earth, grounding you in her strength. Imagine a bright golden sun far in the cosmos, and imagine that light pouring down upon the top of your head, warming you. Feel that warmth spreading through your whole body, connecting you to the source of all things. Imagine your energy surrounding you, the edge about 18 inches from the surface of your body. Feel and listen to your body now, your own personal space, picture your body in your minds eye, a simple diagram.

Now imagine that you have a handful of purple dust, and that when you blow it against this simple image of your body, it will stick to those places where you are carrying energy of your family. The dust will stick to any energies that are not in affinity with you. In your minds eye, see the dust and where it sticks now. Is it around your eyes? Affecting how you see situations in your life? Is it around your hands? Does anything you create have to fit into a certain framework? Perhaps it's around your feet and tailbone. Are you grounding for people? Helping them feel centered and whole? Whatever it is. Take a few minutes to see this clearly in your mind. It's not important that you understand every detail. Perhaps some information will come to you, and some may not. That is not important, you don't need to get all of this information with your conscious mind.

Now, picture this diagram of your body in a beautiful shower. My shower is outdoors, surrounded by trees and sky. Above my body is a gold shower head, and I see the clear warm water begin to pour over my head. What does your shower look like? Picture it in your mind, build up the details as much as you like. Let the clear water pour over you. You can imagine it clear or with a gold tint. As this water pours over your body, the purple dust begins to wash away. It just melts away and you can see it flowing down the drain to the center of the earth. Your head is sparkly clear, down to your neck and shoulders, now your torso, and arms, your chest and heart, your abdomen and back, buttocks and legs, calves and feet, the purple dust washes away down the drain and you are standing there sparkling clear and clean, fresh for the new year.

When you have spent the time you need basking in that freshness, wrap yourself in a clean white towel. Take a moment to thank yourself and expect the best for yourself in the new year. Taking a deep breath of the health and vitality that is uniquely you, bring your awareness to the room around you once again. Open your eyes and gently come out of your meditation.

Namaste! and Happy New Year! Read more!