Musings and weanings

Tuesday night I began night weaning with Addison. at 11;15 is when we felt our pain. I held him as he struggled, wiggled, cried, protested mightily. And strangely I felt gentle and kind. This is not always the case I'm ashamed to admit. But this night I remained calm. I had a vision of us....I pictured him as fish, a big fish swimming in the deep and I was the strong sailor on my ship, bringing him in for my family. To feed my family and keep them alive. I could feel him struggling and fighting; I could not see the fish that caused me so much labor...This image reminded me of his birth, where he struggled against me and I had to labor to bring him into this world, or risk loosing both of us. I felt I was the hook in his mouth, and yet also his anchor, his rock. He was on a ship, and I was the rock and safe harbor, or I was the anchor keeping him safe in a storm. Things raged about us, he raged, and yet i stayed steady and calm. It was my job to stay steady and calm, and after an hour he floated off into sleep. I kept thinking to him that I would always be here, I would always be his anchor when he needed it. I would always be the hook the port, the rock, the anchor and he could rage as a storm, yet when he woke in the clear sunlight of dawn. I would smile at him.