Musings and weanings

Tuesday night I began night weaning with Addison. at 11;15 is when we felt our pain. I held him as he struggled, wiggled, cried, protested mightily. And strangely I felt gentle and kind. This is not always the case I'm ashamed to admit. But this night I remained calm. I had a vision of us....I pictured him as fish, a big fish swimming in the deep and I was the strong sailor on my ship, bringing him in for my family. To feed my family and keep them alive. I could feel him struggling and fighting; I could not see the fish that caused me so much labor...This image reminded me of his birth, where he struggled against me and I had to labor to bring him into this world, or risk loosing both of us. I felt I was the hook in his mouth, and yet also his anchor, his rock. He was on a ship, and I was the rock and safe harbor, or I was the anchor keeping him safe in a storm. Things raged about us, he raged, and yet i stayed steady and calm. It was my job to stay steady and calm, and after an hour he floated off into sleep. I kept thinking to him that I would always be here, I would always be his anchor when he needed it. I would always be the hook the port, the rock, the anchor and he could rage as a storm, yet when he woke in the clear sunlight of dawn. I would smile at him. Read more!

Friday night, it's all right

Mr Man is sleeping in his crib. The Big Mr. Man is out for a few drinks and I find myself home, home and alone...god I should work. Yes I did open some work. but then I started thinking I needed some music. and a beer. yeah a beer I looked for Pretty Hate Machine on itunes. Did you know Trent Reznor has an issue with itunes? It's awesome, so it's not available. But then I got a couple of Marilyn Manson tracks, and bucking my purist, god please buy an effing album thoughts and judgments of my own, I just bought a few tracks. GASP So now I'm listening to The Beautiful People from Antichrist Superstar and wondering what work I wanted to get done anyway. Is it ethically responsible to do bookkeeping while drinking? hmmmm.

As the music changes into Interpol's Take you on a cruise I find I can think a little and I'm remembering how I felt upstairs nursing A. to bed. I was feeling full of light, the deep deep knowledge that I am pure energy, that we are energy all of us. That everything is energy, and I felt merged with the darn bed and with A. And that was PRIOR to the beer....We will return to that light after we pass out of this physical realm. But while we're here we might as well nurse our babies, listen to Marilyn Manson, dance with our little girls and kiss our lovers, firmly on the mouth. As much as possible, over and over again, bringing the light to shine through our skin with every action every touch, from the spoon stirring dinner to the hand turning the key in the car, to the arms that soothe after a fall, to the lips that laugh and press against yours in the night. Shine your light....and wow, could that be more whiplash writing? hmmmm... well it's a very accurate picture of my thoughts tonight anyway. Read more!